Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie