Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum