My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We had to coat check the pizza.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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