If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
