you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
