I cockslap morals
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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