in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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