It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
