If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
