i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
