Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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