my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
