She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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