I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
