I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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