i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It was like giving head to a cactus.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
