I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
