good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
