textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
