I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
