thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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