I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
