I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
