i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
