You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
