Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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