Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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