Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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