This is not my ceiling
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize