I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
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He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
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laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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