my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
