What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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