My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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