Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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