I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
