well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
