Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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