The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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