Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
