but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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