Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
