Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
