I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
