I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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