dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
