It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
