I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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