Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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