I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
