Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
