I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
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My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
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I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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