Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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