All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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