I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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