Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I feel like death gave me a hand job
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
