So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
