Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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