True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
